What a week or two this has been! Intense emotions and thoughts, reconnecting the past with the present, and bringing new things into my life too!
A short while ago, I began to feel really irritable, for no apparent reason. It wasn’t a moment of irritation – this was a full-blown continuing-for-days irritation, and it was aimed at everything. Myself, the family, the inane conversations of passing strangers, manners – or lack-of – of strangers, t.v. Adverts, inane t.v. Programmes… everything. Where did it come from? Why did it suddenly appear? I thought I’d solved this problem when I quit my job and started my Reiki practice!
I came up with several possibilities for this sudden irritation:
The meds are still having an effect on my system, despite having taken myself off them 6/8 weeks ago – I just stopped taking them because, quite frankly, I didn’t want them anymore – but I didn’t realise that you are not supposed to ‘just come off’ them, you are supposed to gradually increase the dose. This sort of action is typical me, really – all or nothing, stubbornness in doing what I want because I think it’s the best way!
Given my forays further into the Spiritual world, it could be a ‘test’ from that world. I won’t say ‘attack’ – not this time – because it didn’t feel like that. But it could have been a test – how do I cope with my own feelings, emotons? Am I balanced enough to do this work? Can I bring myself back into balance?
Two people very dear to me suggested it could be the negative energies from all the healings I have been doing. Now, Reiki has an in-built fail-safe system that rebuffs any negative energy back to the universe – however it isn’t just Reiki that I have been doing, so this is also a possibility.
The Shamanic world is showing me that I have an issue with internal anger that I need to look at closely. I’m not an angry person, do not mistake me – but that, in its way, is the problem: I have never learnt how to effectively express my anger: I tend to hide it away, keep it bottled inside, until -pop! Just like the fizzy drink bottle analogy. This possibility is one I intend to delve into and discover whether, indeed, I have an issue that I need to explore about myself.
The problem with treading a solitary path is balancing everyday normal reality with the spiritual. There could be an everyday reason for my irritability, and I should not – no-one should ever – ignore this in favour of some more ethereal and esoteric reason for goings-on. But just as important is that I should and need to take into account that it COULD well be a Shamanic/Spiritual experience trying to tell me something. Both are equally important and deserve due attention, because I live and walk in both worlds and attract energies from both worlds. But, I have to work out which world these signs, these energies, these dis-eases come from. How can I move forward and develop if I don’t have an answer? If I just shrug it off as ‘something that happened’, then it could happen again, because I haven’t taken steps to resolve the source of the issue.
In the midst of all this I accepted Litebeing Chronicles ‘retrograde Challenge‘. To reconnect with something old that used to be loved, that you no longer use/read/listen to/wear etc. My post about this will be on November 10th, so
stay tuned. Now THIS had an interesting impact on my state. I took a whole day, which I had to myself, to totally indulge in ME. And I indulged my Girlie side, which is something I have not done for a very long time. In fact, I insist on telling myself I don’t ‘have’ a Girlie side, because that connotation does not fit with my image of myself. But I am lying! I do have a Girlie side, and boy did it love finally being allowed out! I listened to music of my teenage years (loud!) I painted my nails (rarely seen!), I put on make up for no reason but that I could, I sorted out all my make up stuff (lots got thrown as it was so old, the rest neatened up), and then – I went shopping. Clothes shopping. For fun. Yes, me. Normally I dislike clothes shopping. I am not a natural shopper: I have a low tolerance threshold! But I found I actually enjoyed the process. I put no pressure on myself – financially, or ‘I’ve got to find this or that’, I just went looking, tried on a few things, ambled around… and you know what? I actually caught myself in a kin-like meditative state! Taking pressure off, just wandering around looking… my Mind had stopped thinking, it was concentrating on looking at clothes and – no thoughts. Not ‘no thoughts’ in a vacant negative way, but in a very good not thinking about rubbish way! And it WAS just like a meditation. Well who would’ve thought? Certainly not me! I actually came back with stuff I liked AND having not gone crazy and just bought stuff for the sake of it, I was actually very restrained.
This day of pure self-indulgence did me the world of good. It completely knocked my irritability off, out, and into space. I think the retrograde challenge had a lot to do this (thank you Linda! 🙂 ) And I promise I will expand on this on Nov 10th.
But also – taking yourself out of your normal zone – doing something different, no matter how small, can make a real change in you – shifting your emotions because you are not acting in pattern, and thus, your Mind and emotions cannot react in a learnt responsive way. Being self-indulgent every so often is not selfish: It’s healthy and it is NEEDED – by YOU, and by your nearest & dearest – after all, if you are not at your best, then you cannot help them the best way you potentially could, can you?!
So, the lesson learnt: Every day normal activities can have a Spiritual meaning and effect. Hmm, interesting, and noted!
- Reiki: The Quick Fix Challenge (natky927.wordpress.com)
- Healing Circle 10/23/13 (ancientwisdomforamodernworld.wordpress.com)
- Love Your Irritations (dishanrajapaksha.wordpress.com)
- A Personal Healing Programme (completehealthcircle.com)
First of all, I apologise for our recent absence. We were offline for a time – shock horror! – and other things have been happening too. Life has been very busy lately, and I’ve had a hard time trying to keep up and catch up! Neometheus is a little busy at the moment, so I am catching up with posting.
I was wondering what to write about – so many things! But I haven’t done anything recently that I can directly share. I could write about Reiki (and I will later), I could write about Easter and its meaning – we did do a ritual for that… but it didn’t feel right. Then I realised what it was I did want to write about, and that is the other reason I have not been blogging.
This is a slightly different post, and in writing it, I hope maybe to reach out to some people and see if this resonates with anyone else. Maybe even help. That’s part of what this on-line community is about, isn’t it?
I have reached a point in life where I have realised that I am actually having a tough time. Emotionally, I am all over the place. In facing what is happening to me fully, I was surprised to realise that I am not the person I thought I was. I am finding things difficult to deal with, and my emotional behaviour has impacted on every part of my life: my family, my work, my inner peace, my joyfulness. There is no direct cause in this change in me. Nothing traumatic has happened. It is simply due, I believe, to a continual build-up of life’s stresses and pressures. To face the fact that I am not coping well with normal, everyday life stunned me. I don’t have a difficult life: my children are perfectly healthy, and very happy. I have a wonderful, supportive partner. I have a job that is secure. Money is tight, but not desperate. We have a roof over our heads. I don’t have to deal with being a carer for a family member, or with ill health. On the surface, it seems as though my life is pretty good.
So why, then, this sudden change? Why this inability to find happiness? Why am I in tears every week over nothing? Why am I snapping and snarling all the time? Why why why is all that goes through my head. This can’t be me – I’M the one that tries to help others – I’M the one who heals, by listening, or advising, or comforting. I’M an empathiser. I’M the strong one. I hold things together. I’m Super-Mum – I CAN do everything! I’ve been through a lot – and I’ve always got through. I manage. So why now? Why this? What’s different?
My other reason for feeling that this mini-meltdown shouldn’t be happening is all the tools that I have at my disposal: I’m an intelligent person – I can rationalise things, think them through, come to a solution. I can meditate to help myself, I can use Reiki, I can ask my deities and my Guardians for help, I can use a tarot reading… all these and more I can do to find a solution and to help me heal. And yet I haven’t, and I don’t. Again-why?
Because emotional behaviour has nothing to do with intelligence, or rational thought. Reacting emotionally, feeling a thing, takes over. And when you feel down… you lack the energy or motivation to do anything. This emotional ‘down-ness’ has nothing at all to do with intelligent thinking. Knowing something doesn’t effect a change, because I’m not motivated to act upon it.
So, I know I have methods I can use to help myself. I am not motivated to use these methods. So how can I help myself? The first stage is full acknowledgement. It’s no use telling myself ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this’ – what does that achieve? I DO feel like this; this IS happening to me. Acknowledge I am in an emotional state. Let myself feel it. Trying to deny it only adds more stress, because it will create a conflict in the mind, and translate to the body. I believe this is often the reason people experience physical problems.
Secondly, let’s take a look at a few home-truths: I am fallible. I am human, and have, do and will make mistakes. It is inevitable. This does not mean there is anything wrong with me. Everyone has issues to one degree or another, and you never know what someone else is going through. You are not the only one, and it does not make you a lesser person.
Thirdly, I am NOT super-mum! Who is? Don’t believe the adverts and the t.v. shows. Do your best, make sure the children have what they need, and sometimes, that is enough. Who cares if the house is a mess? Who cares if you forget the odd thing? Again, fallibility comes with the territory! Things aren’t always going to get done on time. So what?
What I am saying here is that I do not know why this has happened. I do not know why I am having a meltdown. But not knowing is O.K – all I have to do is accept, acknowledge, and take things one day at a time, and move forwards, slowly, steadily, without expectation or assumption. I think that it doesn’t matter what your situation is, or how good you think things are – or how bad – that anything can happen to anyone, at anytime – and it is all right. It WILL be all right. Everyone has dark times – and reaching out for help is possibly the best thing that you can do. Gaining support is not a weakness, it is a strength.
All the tools at my disposal – I should be using. But the motivation is not there. I am so tired, so lacking in energy that, paradoxically, the time when I should be using them is the time that I can’t find the energy too. This is why it is good to have support around to lean on: Using the tools I have is another way of saying ‘I don’t need any outside help, I can do it by myself’. Maybe this is a lesson to me to go and ask for help – from the ‘real’ world. And it also goes to show that we need our feet planted in this world, we can’t live in the ‘Other’ world all the time – it does take a lot of energy to Journey, Spirit-travel, and the rest of it. In this, as with everything, there must be Balance. Balance is the key to everything, I believe.
I still have not had a chance to visit the sea (See last post re; Arianrhod), but I plan to, I really do – I would not renege on a deal with a visiting Goddess! And perhaps that will wash my cares away!
I hope this gives you some insight not only into my life, but the way life can take us by surprise and overtake us when we least expect it. And I hope that this reaches out to anyone who may be, or has been, feeling something similar. I will keep you updated, and I hope to post something more cheerful soon!
As ever, your comments, insights and own experiences are very welcome.