A Personal Experience

English: Logo Connecting Emotional Intelligence

English: Logo Connecting Emotional Intelligence (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

First of all, I apologise for our recent absence. We were offline for a time – shock horror! – and other things have been happening too. Life has been very busy lately, and I’ve had a hard time trying to keep up and catch up! Neometheus is a little busy at the moment, so I am catching up with posting.

I was wondering what to write about – so many things! But I haven’t done anything recently that I can directly share. I could write about Reiki (and I will later), I could write about Easter and its meaning – we did do a ritual for that… but it didn’t feel right. Then I realised what it was I did want to write about, and that is the other reason I have not been blogging.

This is a slightly different post, and in writing it, I hope maybe to reach out to some people and see if this resonates with anyone else. Maybe even help. That’s part of what this on-line community is about, isn’t it?

I have reached a point in life where I have realised that I am actually having a tough time. Emotionally, I am all over the place. In facing what is happening to me fully, I was surprised to realise that I am not the person I thought I was. I am finding things difficult to deal with, and my emotional behaviour has impacted on every part of my life: my family, my work, my inner peace, my joyfulness. There is no direct cause in this change in me. Nothing traumatic has happened. It is simply due, I believe, to a continual build-up of life’s stresses and pressures. To face the fact that I am not coping well with normal, everyday life stunned me. I don’t have a difficult life: my children are perfectly healthy, and very happy. I have a wonderful, supportive partner. I have a job that is secure. Money is tight, but not desperate. We have a roof over our heads. I don’t have to deal with being a carer for a family member, or with ill health. On the surface, it seems as though my life is pretty good.

So why, then, this sudden change? Why this inability to find happiness? Why am I in tears every week over nothing? Why am I snapping and snarling all the time? Why why why is all that goes through my head. This can’t be me – I’M the one that tries to help others – I’M the one who heals, by listening, or advising, or comforting. I’M an empathiser. I’M the strong one. I hold things together. I’m Super-Mum – I CAN do everything! I’ve been through a lot – and I’ve always got through. I manage. So why now? Why this? What’s different?

My other reason for feeling that this mini-meltdown shouldn’t be happening is all the tools that I have at my disposal: I’m an intelligent person – I can rationalise things, think them through, come to a solution. I can meditate to help myself, I can use Reiki, I can ask my deities and my Guardians for help, I can use a tarot reading… all these and more I can do to find a solution and to help me heal. And yet I haven’t, and I don’t. Again-why?

Because emotional behaviour has nothing to do with intelligence, or rational thought. Reacting emotionally, feeling a thing, takes over. And when you feel down… you lack the energy or motivation to do anything. This emotional ‘down-ness’ has nothing at all to do with intelligent thinking. Knowing something doesn’t effect a change, because I’m not motivated to act upon it.

So, I know I have methods I can use to help myself. I am not motivated to use these methods. So how can I help myself? The first stage is full acknowledgement. It’s no use telling myself ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this’ – what does that achieve? I DO feel like this; this IS happening to me. Acknowledge I am in an emotional state. Let myself feel it. Trying to deny it only adds more stress, because it will create a conflict in the mind, and translate to the body. I believe this is often the reason people experience physical problems.

Secondly, let’s take a look at a few home-truths: I am fallible. I am human, and have, do and will make mistakes. It is inevitable. This does not mean there is anything wrong with me. Everyone has issues to one degree or another, and you never know what someone else is going through. You are not the only one, and it does not make you a lesser person.

Thirdly, I am NOT super-mum! Who is? Don’t believe the adverts and the t.v. shows. Do your best, make sure the children have what they need, and sometimes, that is enough. Who cares if the house is a mess? Who cares if you forget the odd thing? Again, fallibility comes with the territory! Things aren’t always going to get done on time. So what?

What I am saying here is that I do not know why this has happened. I do not know why I am having a meltdown. But not knowing is O.K – all I have to do is accept, acknowledge, and take things one day at a time, and move forwards, slowly, steadily, without expectation or assumption. I think that it doesn’t matter what your situation is, or how good you think things are – or how bad – that anything can happen to anyone, at anytime – and it is all right. It WILL be all right. Everyone has dark times – and reaching out for help is possibly the best thing that you can do. Gaining support is not a weakness, it is a strength.

All the tools at my disposal – I should be using. But the motivation is not there. I am so tired, so lacking in energy that, paradoxically, the time when I should be using them is the time that I can’t find the energy too. This is why it is good to have support around to lean on: Using the tools I have is another way of saying ‘I don’t need any outside help, I can do it by myself’. Maybe this is a lesson to me to go and ask for help – from the ‘real’ world. And it also goes to show that we need our feet planted in this world, we can’t live in the ‘Other’ world all the time – it does take a lot of energy to Journey, Spirit-travel, and the rest of it. In this, as with everything, there must be Balance. Balance is the key to everything, I believe.

I still have not had a chance to visit the sea (See last post re; Arianrhod), but I plan to, I really do – I would not renege on a deal with a visiting Goddess! And perhaps that will wash my cares away!

I hope this gives you some insight not only into my life, but the way life can take us by surprise and overtake us when we least expect it. And I hope that this reaches out to anyone who may be, or has been, feeling something similar. I will keep you updated, and I hope to post something more cheerful soon!

As ever, your comments, insights and own experiences are very welcome.

Blessings be

Posted on April 2, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. Thanks for sharing your experience, it seems many are feeling the same symptoms. Sharing is growing, god bless! ♥ Oh, this post from Tomas may help, it’s a great reminder. Be well.

  2. I pray that the New Moon has brought you the answers you seek, for it is cosmically time to let go of all that no longer serves our highest good, and make our wishes for the future we’ve always dreamed of. I’ve seen many going through this lately, I was down with the flu for a couple of weeks and couldn’t do anything – sometimes the Universe just wants you to stop doing and start listening and letting go. I do understand. Support is always there, positive energy still radiates from every being on the planet, and your Angels always surround you with love, while the Universe begins bringing in what you do need, when you let go of what you do not. I haven’t been here lately myself, the current energies have kept me within my own realm, and I’m sorry I didn’t see this post sooner. I pray you the strength you need to find what the Universe is holding for you right now. I pray you happiness, joy, and surround you with Light… ❤

    • Thank you so much for your beautiful words and support. I’m getting there, slowly, a few people have pointed out to me that this may be a Spiritual sickness… which could well be right. I have a lot of thinking to do about life-changes and how to make them happen.
      Blessings be to you.

  3. Hi there Heidi, I’m sorry to read of your tough time right now ((((hugs)))). You’ve always been so supportive towards me and I feel that people who give a lot to others are the ones who can neglect their own emotions without realising it. It sounds like what you’re going through might be an indication of your need to focus on yourself and look within at where life is taking you, what your path needs you to uncover. These times when ‘nothing is working’ and there is a complete lack of motivation and connection to spirit are probably the most useful, while painful, for the Self to use to develop. Thinking of you x

    • Thank you so much, your words mean a lot to me.
      I think you are right – no, I know you are right! I have a lot of thinking to do about where I want to go!
      Hugs back to you x

  4. Missed you, hope your spirit picks up soon. 🙂

  5. really hope things turn around quickly for you

  6. Thank you Heidi for your very honest and heartfelt post. I have noticed that some other bloggers, including my self, have had to take a hiatus recently. As a healer myself, I like to believe that I am invulnerable and can handle anything and everything. You are correct, having the tools and being rational does not diminish one’s emotional temperature. I have been physically ill and extremely uncomfortable for the past 2 weeks and know there is an emotional component to my state. The truth is , we can only go through something and be present with all the discomfort, sadness, fear, anxiety, darkness, etc until we find ourselves present with some other experience. I have to admit this blogging community has been incredibly supportive of me. I feel truly blessed to find so many like minded souls who are creative, compassionate, and kind. I know that your post has touched me and created a space for me to further feel my own sadness and despair.

    blessings, linda

    • Linda,
      so sorry you are feeling this way. Thank you for sharing, and I sincerely you hope you have the support and love around you to help you through, and that the sunshine of the soul shines for you soon x

  7. I recently wrote a similar post about life getting me down. It happens all of a sudden. The love and support I received from fellow bloggers is what made me feel better. It took me about a week, but I had a melt down, cried, then over the course of a few days, I just woke up one day and felt better. I completly understand how you are feeling. I think it’s because you are always the strong one, so emotionally, it’s only a matter of time until you can’t deal with it all. I sometimes think, I’m always there for others, but when I need someone no one is there. I wish nothing but the best for you my friend. I hope you feel better soon. Your exhausted but I know it will get better.

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