A Personal Experience
First of all, I apologise for our recent absence. We were offline for a time – shock horror! – and other things have been happening too. Life has been very busy lately, and I’ve had a hard time trying to keep up and catch up! Neometheus is a little busy at the moment, so I am catching up with posting.
I was wondering what to write about – so many things! But I haven’t done anything recently that I can directly share. I could write about Reiki (and I will later), I could write about Easter and its meaning – we did do a ritual for that… but it didn’t feel right. Then I realised what it was I did want to write about, and that is the other reason I have not been blogging.
This is a slightly different post, and in writing it, I hope maybe to reach out to some people and see if this resonates with anyone else. Maybe even help. That’s part of what this on-line community is about, isn’t it?
I have reached a point in life where I have realised that I am actually having a tough time. Emotionally, I am all over the place. In facing what is happening to me fully, I was surprised to realise that I am not the person I thought I was. I am finding things difficult to deal with, and my emotional behaviour has impacted on every part of my life: my family, my work, my inner peace, my joyfulness. There is no direct cause in this change in me. Nothing traumatic has happened. It is simply due, I believe, to a continual build-up of life’s stresses and pressures. To face the fact that I am not coping well with normal, everyday life stunned me. I don’t have a difficult life: my children are perfectly healthy, and very happy. I have a wonderful, supportive partner. I have a job that is secure. Money is tight, but not desperate. We have a roof over our heads. I don’t have to deal with being a carer for a family member, or with ill health. On the surface, it seems as though my life is pretty good.
So why, then, this sudden change? Why this inability to find happiness? Why am I in tears every week over nothing? Why am I snapping and snarling all the time? Why why why is all that goes through my head. This can’t be me – I’M the one that tries to help others – I’M the one who heals, by listening, or advising, or comforting. I’M an empathiser. I’M the strong one. I hold things together. I’m Super-Mum – I CAN do everything! I’ve been through a lot – and I’ve always got through. I manage. So why now? Why this? What’s different?
My other reason for feeling that this mini-meltdown shouldn’t be happening is all the tools that I have at my disposal: I’m an intelligent person – I can rationalise things, think them through, come to a solution. I can meditate to help myself, I can use Reiki, I can ask my deities and my Guardians for help, I can use a tarot reading… all these and more I can do to find a solution and to help me heal. And yet I haven’t, and I don’t. Again-why?
Because emotional behaviour has nothing to do with intelligence, or rational thought. Reacting emotionally, feeling a thing, takes over. And when you feel down… you lack the energy or motivation to do anything. This emotional ‘down-ness’ has nothing at all to do with intelligent thinking. Knowing something doesn’t effect a change, because I’m not motivated to act upon it.
So, I know I have methods I can use to help myself. I am not motivated to use these methods. So how can I help myself? The first stage is full acknowledgement. It’s no use telling myself ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this’ – what does that achieve? I DO feel like this; this IS happening to me. Acknowledge I am in an emotional state. Let myself feel it. Trying to deny it only adds more stress, because it will create a conflict in the mind, and translate to the body. I believe this is often the reason people experience physical problems.
Secondly, let’s take a look at a few home-truths: I am fallible. I am human, and have, do and will make mistakes. It is inevitable. This does not mean there is anything wrong with me. Everyone has issues to one degree or another, and you never know what someone else is going through. You are not the only one, and it does not make you a lesser person.
Thirdly, I am NOT super-mum! Who is? Don’t believe the adverts and the t.v. shows. Do your best, make sure the children have what they need, and sometimes, that is enough. Who cares if the house is a mess? Who cares if you forget the odd thing? Again, fallibility comes with the territory! Things aren’t always going to get done on time. So what?
What I am saying here is that I do not know why this has happened. I do not know why I am having a meltdown. But not knowing is O.K – all I have to do is accept, acknowledge, and take things one day at a time, and move forwards, slowly, steadily, without expectation or assumption. I think that it doesn’t matter what your situation is, or how good you think things are – or how bad – that anything can happen to anyone, at anytime – and it is all right. It WILL be all right. Everyone has dark times – and reaching out for help is possibly the best thing that you can do. Gaining support is not a weakness, it is a strength.
All the tools at my disposal – I should be using. But the motivation is not there. I am so tired, so lacking in energy that, paradoxically, the time when I should be using them is the time that I can’t find the energy too. This is why it is good to have support around to lean on: Using the tools I have is another way of saying ‘I don’t need any outside help, I can do it by myself’. Maybe this is a lesson to me to go and ask for help – from the ‘real’ world. And it also goes to show that we need our feet planted in this world, we can’t live in the ‘Other’ world all the time – it does take a lot of energy to Journey, Spirit-travel, and the rest of it. In this, as with everything, there must be Balance. Balance is the key to everything, I believe.
I still have not had a chance to visit the sea (See last post re; Arianrhod), but I plan to, I really do – I would not renege on a deal with a visiting Goddess! And perhaps that will wash my cares away!
I hope this gives you some insight not only into my life, but the way life can take us by surprise and overtake us when we least expect it. And I hope that this reaches out to anyone who may be, or has been, feeling something similar. I will keep you updated, and I hope to post something more cheerful soon!
As ever, your comments, insights and own experiences are very welcome.